Sharedness

In February, I was asked to do a short talk with Ton’s Psych 108 students on what I was going to do in Davao for my new job. I remember him asking me what my concept of “sharedness” was. When and how can I say that a person has become my kapwa?  How do I move from being ibang tao to becoming di-ibang tao?

Sharedness is a concept used to indicate the quality of relationships—of shared space, shared experience, shared dreams, shared tears, shared fears, shared heartbeats…

Being away from home has crystallized in me the definition of sharedness. For the past few of months I have continually found myself flitting constantly from being ibang tao to di-ibang tao to somewhere in between. I would like to say that it has been an experience that I thoroughly enjoyed. But that wouldn’t be entirely true.

I find it relatively easy to meet new people. I often chat and make small talk with the people I come across with—taxi drivers, jeepney drivers, the newspaper boy, the laundry woman, bus mates, random dorm mates, members of churches I have hopped to (yes, I went church hopping/hunting for a few Sundays and was able to hop to five churches) and everyone else in between.

Yes, these are all my kapwa tao. But they are ibang tao. And so sharedness was limited to shared space and a bit of a shared experience of whatever was happening at that moment. And this is where I realized that shared experience is more than just doing things together. It is going through things together. And that is why the newspaper boy might not become di-ibang tao in my sphere of experience anytime soon.

I safeguard my layers of friendship. There are those that are friends only because of shared experience. And then there are those who become good friends because of shared dreams. There are those who become close friends because of shared pains. And those who become very much like family because of shared heartbeats.

Shared heartbeats. When a person has become di-ibang tao that you do not have to feel the need to be “polite.” When a person can “read” you even he/she is miles and miles away. When you can demand without feeling demanding. When you can cry and not have to worry that the other person is finding you melodramatic. When you can need and are not made to feel you are needy or “too much”.  When you are certain that he/she will come through for you whatever the cost may be. When there is not an iota of doubt that you are loved and accepted for who you are.

There have been times that I wanted to be with someone who shares my heartbeat but I had no one who could be physically here. And so there were days that I would have to be content with semi-tangible love via Skype or calls on my cellphone. I realized that a place will never be home unless you have someone who shares your heartbeat physically there with you. Yes, home can be anywhere. Anywhere heartbeats are shared.

Sharing heartbeats does not have a fixed timetable. We cannot treat the progression of relationships as if we were baking them with the precision of chiffon cakes. There are people you meet and spend time with for a week or two and you suddenly find that it is effortless to experience sharedness with them. There are relationships that take years to progress before a depth in sharedness is found.

How does one move from non-sharedness to sharedness? I have found that it involves a lot of risk and willingness to expose and disclose those things that cause your heart to beat passionately. Yes, it happens that you open your heart and you are met with indifference. It is sad when that happens because you realize that the person you had hoped to share your heart with did not really care for it. But then you get to go away with the knowledge of the quality of your relationship and the wisdom to act accordingly.

I write this with a mixture of hope and sadness. I am hopeful that one day I will have people here who will share in my heartbeat. I am sad that I am missing out on pivotal events of the lives of people who share my heartbeat back in Manila. I am certain though that we have known each other deeply enough that we have mastered the rhythm of each other’s heartbeats so that we will still have the same cadence even as we are physically apart.

It has been a long time since that February talk. I look back at the relationships I have built since then. Some are on the road to sharedness. Some have deteriorated. There are those that have remained constant. And there are those that have become even more meaningful in spite of the distance.

I am blessed with family and friends who know me very well. I am blessed by your love and friendship. Thank you. Here’s to shared heartbeats.