Of Human Relationships. Well... Mine at Least

"Group" shot. Camera Owner should get a tripod so everybody can be in the group shot. :P

Some of us have been friends for fifteen years. Others five years. Others five months. We all went to the same church (or dated/married someone from that church) at one point in our lives--we engaged in missions and outreaches together; we taught in Sunday school and were children and youth camp counselors together; we attended conferences together, travelled the country and parts of Southeast Asia together... We're friends and it seems that we are growing old together.

We are now in our late twenties and early thirties and the out of town trips and get togethers have become a little more challenging to coordinate. Some have moved to other cities/countries, some are more swamped work-wise, and then there are some who just have a really active social life hence the very full social calendar. Haha. But when someone who is no longer based in Manila comes to visit, we make time to do a big get together so we can catch up on each other's lives. And of course there's the annual Christmas/year-end/year-start get together.

Road trip! :D

A few weeks back, I was traveling to Manila and another friend was traveling from Bicol for work. We decided it would be a good time to take a drive and spend the weekend somewhere in the mountains of the Sierra Madre. Three are married now, one couple with a baby popping in the next couple of weeks! Some recently graduated and got masters and law degrees, one recently became a lawyer, another became a school administrator, another quit their firm and went solo, one almost got married, another almost had a boyfriend, and another almost had a girlfriend. Haha. Aaah the "almosts" of life seem to be as frustrating as the "what ifs."

We didn't sleep the whole night. I was hoarse from all the singing, talking, and laughing.
But it was worth it. We watched the sky turn a deep blue, purple, peach, and white as the sun rose over the Sierra Madre. 

As I watched the sun rise over the mountains I thought to myself that the people I was with that weekend were some of the people who knew me best. They know me in varying degrees but they love and accept me for me. They are the people who have been with me when I was giddy and compliant about things and were still with me when I was difficult and stubborn about things. And the sincerity of their acceptance for all that I am humbled me.

I'm scared. There, I said it.

I'm scared of being found out. I'm scared that one day, a few years down the road, the person I'm with will say I'm not so loveable after all. Because I can be and I know that. I'm neurotic. Very much so. My friends can attest to that. And there are days that I wish, as a Psychology major, I can fix myself but then I realize that isn't really possible.

Relationship building scares me. Because I'm not perfect and I don't like being told that I'm not enough or that I'm too much. The deep and meaningful relationships I have built through the years have been brought about by mutual willingness to journey together in each other's brokenness. Somehow that gives me comfort. That they know me, they enjoy me, have seen the ugly side of me, and still have that deep affection for me.

I can't seem to say the same for all other relationships I have. Some I can just ignore, others I can do occasionally, and then there are some that scare me. The type that you're willing to explore but don't know if you can be everything that you are because if you choose to be so you might not be accepted. Sigh. Anais Nin was right. Anxiety is love's greatest killer.