Sharedness

In February, I was asked to do a short talk with Ton’s Psych 108 students on what I was going to do in Davao for my new job. I remember him asking me what my concept of “sharedness” was. When and how can I say that a person has become my kapwa?  How do I move from being ibang tao to becoming di-ibang tao?

Sharedness is a concept used to indicate the quality of relationships—of shared space, shared experience, shared dreams, shared tears, shared fears, shared heartbeats…

Being away from home has crystallized in me the definition of sharedness. For the past few of months I have continually found myself flitting constantly from being ibang tao to di-ibang tao to somewhere in between. I would like to say that it has been an experience that I thoroughly enjoyed. But that wouldn’t be entirely true.

I find it relatively easy to meet new people. I often chat and make small talk with the people I come across with—taxi drivers, jeepney drivers, the newspaper boy, the laundry woman, bus mates, random dorm mates, members of churches I have hopped to (yes, I went church hopping/hunting for a few Sundays and was able to hop to five churches) and everyone else in between.

Yes, these are all my kapwa tao. But they are ibang tao. And so sharedness was limited to shared space and a bit of a shared experience of whatever was happening at that moment. And this is where I realized that shared experience is more than just doing things together. It is going through things together. And that is why the newspaper boy might not become di-ibang tao in my sphere of experience anytime soon.

I safeguard my layers of friendship. There are those that are friends only because of shared experience. And then there are those who become good friends because of shared dreams. There are those who become close friends because of shared pains. And those who become very much like family because of shared heartbeats.

Shared heartbeats. When a person has become di-ibang tao that you do not have to feel the need to be “polite.” When a person can “read” you even he/she is miles and miles away. When you can demand without feeling demanding. When you can cry and not have to worry that the other person is finding you melodramatic. When you can need and are not made to feel you are needy or “too much”.  When you are certain that he/she will come through for you whatever the cost may be. When there is not an iota of doubt that you are loved and accepted for who you are.

There have been times that I wanted to be with someone who shares my heartbeat but I had no one who could be physically here. And so there were days that I would have to be content with semi-tangible love via Skype or calls on my cellphone. I realized that a place will never be home unless you have someone who shares your heartbeat physically there with you. Yes, home can be anywhere. Anywhere heartbeats are shared.

Sharing heartbeats does not have a fixed timetable. We cannot treat the progression of relationships as if we were baking them with the precision of chiffon cakes. There are people you meet and spend time with for a week or two and you suddenly find that it is effortless to experience sharedness with them. There are relationships that take years to progress before a depth in sharedness is found.

How does one move from non-sharedness to sharedness? I have found that it involves a lot of risk and willingness to expose and disclose those things that cause your heart to beat passionately. Yes, it happens that you open your heart and you are met with indifference. It is sad when that happens because you realize that the person you had hoped to share your heart with did not really care for it. But then you get to go away with the knowledge of the quality of your relationship and the wisdom to act accordingly.

I write this with a mixture of hope and sadness. I am hopeful that one day I will have people here who will share in my heartbeat. I am sad that I am missing out on pivotal events of the lives of people who share my heartbeat back in Manila. I am certain though that we have known each other deeply enough that we have mastered the rhythm of each other’s heartbeats so that we will still have the same cadence even as we are physically apart.

It has been a long time since that February talk. I look back at the relationships I have built since then. Some are on the road to sharedness. Some have deteriorated. There are those that have remained constant. And there are those that have become even more meaningful in spite of the distance.

I am blessed with family and friends who know me very well. I am blessed by your love and friendship. Thank you. Here’s to shared heartbeats.

 

 

Heart Insurance

insurance [in-SHOOR-uhns] - noun. coverage by contract in which one party agrees to indemnify (to compensate for damage or loss sustained, expense incurred, etc.) or reimburse another for loss that occurs under the terms of the contract

Okay ang insurance para sa bahay, kotse, at kung anu-ano pang pag-aari. Pero walang insurance para sa puso. Bad trip.

DISCLAIMER: Hindi tungkol sa love life ang blog na ito.

Sa nakalipas na linggo dalawa sa mga kaibigan ko (at naki-uso naman ang puso ko kahapon) ang kinailangang sagutin ang tanong na "magbubukas ba ako ng puso kahit na walang garantiyang hindi ito masasaktan?"

Excerpt from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldregde:

For a woman to unveil her beauty means she is offering her heart. Offering her presence. The scariest thing for women is to offer our beauty into situations where we don't know if it will make any difference. Or worse, that it will be rejected. A woman doesn't want to offer her beauty unless she is guaranteed that it will be well received. But life offers no such guarantees. We, too, must take risks. Of course it's scary. It's vulnerable. It's naked. God calls us to stop hiding, to stop dominating, to trust him, and to offer our true selves. He wants us to bring to bear the weight of our lives and all that he has given to us, worked into us, and offer it to our world. To entice, allure, and invite others to Jesus by reflecting his glory in our lives. He will give no guarantee that others will enjoy us and respond well.

Masarap isipin na kontrolado natin ang mga bagay-bagay sa mundo. Pero may mga bagay na, gustuhin man natin, ay hindi talaga natin kayang kontrolahin. Nakakapikon, oo. Nakakatakot, mas lalo.

Ang pagbubukas ng puso ay hindi madaling gawin. Pero, dahil tayo ay mga tao at hindi natin maaaring ihiwalay ang ating mga sarili sa ating lipunan... tayo ay nagpapakamasokista at patuloy pa ring sumusubok na magbukas ng ating mga puso para makapasok ang iba.

May mga taong madaling mahalin kaya naman hindi gaanong mahirap ang magbukas ng puso para sila'y makapasok. Nangyayaring pareho talaga kayo ng mga tunguhin, mga pangarap, ugali, at kung anu-ano pa. Masaya at simple ang buhay kapag ganito ang sitwasyon. Kaso, hindi palaging ganito. Kung titingin tayo sa mas malaking mundo sa labas ng napakaligtas na mundong nilikha natin para sa ating mga sarili (kasama ang ating pamilya't barkada) ay mapapagtanto nating mahirap ang magmahal at magbukas ng puso para makapasok ang iba.

Mahirap. Kaya't madalas pinipili nating manatili sa hawla (o kahon) kung saan walang makakapanakit sa atin. Pero hindi tayo nilikhang may puso para manatili sa loob ng mga hawla.

Mahirap. Dahil walang insurance para sa puso. Pero ipagpapalit mo ba ang pagkakataong makabuo ng malalim na ugnyan sa puso ng ibang tao dahil lamang sa takot na ito?

Nakakatakot kasi pag nagbukas ka ng puso maaari na itong masaktan. Ang problema, walang insurance. At dahil walang insurance kapag nasakatan ka ay iiyak ka na lang at gigising kinabukasan na namamaga ang mga mata. Wala kang makukuhang insurance claim. Wala kang makukuhang kapalit sa mga luha. At lalong higit na hindi mo maaaring sisihin ang nagdulot ng sakit. Dahil ikaw naman ang nagpasyang magbukas ng puso mo. Pinilit ka ba? Hindi naman, diba?

Minsan talaga kailangan lang nating sumugal. Dahil mas masarap magmahal.

It's a New Season

It is a sunny Saturday morning. I am home and finding it quite strange that I do not have exams to check or papers to read and mark. I look at the pile of exam answer sheets and reflection papers that I have checked and marked in the last two weeks and I couldn’t help but smile. This is it. The school semester has ended for me and I am just waiting to turn in my students’ grades.

I have seen six end-of-the-semester seasons of madness. I remember nights when I would stay up late reading not-so reflective papers. I remember days when I would have to forego going out with friends because I had to check papers. I remember crying in frustration after MS Excel generated my students’ final grades and there were a couple who did not make the mark. I remember being annoyed when students who never show up for five months suddenly appear at the end of the semester expecting to have a passing grade. But this semester it is different.

What makes this sixth end-of-the-semester season different? Because this is my last.

A year after I got my bachelors degree in Psychology, I enrolled in the UP College of Education to get my masters degree. In a reflection paper for a class called “Teaching Creative and Critical Thinking” I wrote:

I delight in the knowledge that as a teacher I am given the chance to mold the minds of those I teach. I want to make a difference in the lives of students as I impart to them the things that I am passionate about… I believe that a teacher is given the honor and the privilege of shaping minds, nurturing souls, and igniting a fire in the hearts of students… I think that all teachers can be catalysts. Someone once said that a catalyst is consumed in sacrifice. If a teacher is willing to be a catalyst, consumed in sacrifice, then the impact is change in the lives of the students and the people these students meet. (November 2006)

In June 2007, I started teaching in an academic institution for higher education. There was a sense of nervous excitement on my part. A university took a risk in hiring me—someone without any teaching experience. I did not want to let the university down. I could only imagine what went on my students’ minds as they watched a twenty three year-old walk into their classroom introducing herself as their Psychology instructor.

In another reflection paper for the same class, I wrote:

When I become a teacher I think that one of the most challenging tasks that I would face is to know my students beyond the warm bodies sitting on their chairs. I think that the most effective teachers are those that connect with their students beyond the intellectual level. It will require a lot of emotional investment, I suppose… Who knows how many souls I would touch? It might very well be the souls of our country’s future leaders that I would inspire to make a difference simply because I took the risk to invest in them emotionally. (November 2006)

Investing in people’s lives and building relationships. This is something that my students taught me in the three years that I was an instructor. Emotional investment. Something that was taught in theory in all my educational foundations classes but found depth in practice.

Nothing compares to sharing in the lives of others. The first batch of freshmen I taught will be seniors come June this year. Yes, I have seen three batches of students fresh out of high school eager to know what college is all about. Three batches of giggly sixteen year-old girls and three batches of cooler-than-thou sixteen year-old boys. Over a thousand students in three years.

I wasn’t very successful in getting to “know all of my students beyond the warm bodies that sat on their chairs.” I do not think three years is enough to build a relationship with depth if one has a thousand students. But to those I have known and grown in relationship with, I can say that it has been very rewarding.

My students taught me so much about myself. I have grown and developed in character and not just in my skill as a teacher through them. From those who seemed to find joy in talking while I discussed Freud, I learned patience. From those who found difficulty in turning in reflective papers, I learned grace. From those who were always negligent in fulfilling requirements, I learned firmness in the way I disciplined.

It is my joy and privilege to be a part of their lives as well. I have seen them rejoice as they passed difficult subjects. I have prayed with and for them when they struggled. I saw couples get together and I have seen a fair share of couples breaking up. I have listened to stories of their families. I have seen tears of frustration. I have shared in laughter over their silly antics. I have received thank you notes, surprise visits, invites to debuts, and even food from former students. Nothing compares to the knowledge that you have ceased to become a person who merely shared information with your students. You have become a person who shared in their lives. For this privilege, I thank all of my students.

This is my last semester in an academic institution. I wouldn’t be in this kind of setting for a while as I am embarking on a new adventure. One that will let me invest in people’s lives and build even more relationships. My new job with Indigenous Emergence (iEmergence) combines my passions for education and teaching, indigenous peoples and indigenous Psychology, and field research and travel. This is such an awesome job.

So... It is a sunny Saturday morning. I am home and finding it quite strange that I do not have exams to check or papers to read and mark. I look at the iEmergence job description and my MPI (My People International) employment application form that I have had with me in the last two months and I couldn’t help but smile. This is it. It is time to invest in the lives of peoples, nations, and generations.

It’s a bigger mission field out there. More learning, stretching, and growth. Can't wait.

One Decision Changes Everything

The decision to lay Isaac on the altar made Abraham the father of many nations.  The decision to stay two more days in Jerusalem gave Jesus the opportunity to show God's glory by raising Lazarus from the dead.  Joseph's decision to take Mary as his wife allowed for the fulfillment of the prophecy that the Messiah was to come from the line of David.

One decision changes everything.

What if Abraham chose to withhold that which gave him security?  He wasn't a father of many nations but at least Isaac made Abraham a father.  Isaac was a deposit of sorts for the old man.  But sometimes God gives us a dream, a vision, and then He asks us to kill it.

What if Jesus had gone to Bethany right away to heal Lazarus?  That would have been good as well, but healing the sick was something Jesus had been doing for years.  What would be so special about that?  God's "delays" and man's waiting allow for time to become ripe for God's glory to be manifested.

What if Joseph, after that message from the angel, still divorced Mary?  What if he couldn't pay the price of being the father of the child that Mary was carrying?  Joseph needed to see with eyes of faith in order for the prophecy to be fulfilled.  God makes sure that there will be someone to support Mary in carrying that which the Holy Spirit conceived in her.

This year has been a year of giving up and letting go of personal dreams so that God can birth His dreams in my heart.  The decision to yield my rights in submission to God's will made this year the awesome year that it was.

I clearly remember the day I asked for my parents' release to go to China for the JRev summer outreach.  It was a few days before Christmas 2008.  I played the "it's my birthday" card on them.  It was my ace.  But Jesse Bacon did not like the idea of sending his only daughter to communist China.  I pleaded.  I was called crazy to even think that they would release me.  My supposed-to-be China teammates even suggested that I ask my parents again during Valentine's Day and play the "it's Valentine's Day" card on them.  But that would be grasping at straws.

I decided to submit to my parents and let go of China.

During the January 2009 JRev outreach leaders meeting it was established that I was the only one from Pastor Charlie's "dream team" who wasn't going to China.  I felt left out.  I was supposed to be going to China with friends I have gone to different outreaches with.  That would have been so much fun.  Pastor Charlie and Kuya John sent me to Davao instead.

And this is where I found myself before an altar with nothing to sacrifice except my heart.  I was stripped of everything that gave me security.  I was in a place I have never been to with a team I did not know and without a JRev coordinator.  It was the first outreach that I was with a lot of people yet I felt "alone".  I remember the tears I cried and the text messages and calls that gave me encouragement.

When Abraham offered Isaac he knew one of two things would happen.  Either God raises Isaac from the dead or He would provide a different sacrifice.  When I offered my heart I did not know what would happen.  In the end, God showed me my heart's capacity to risk and to love.  Nothing compares to the joy that one experiences in opening the heart and risking it to let others in.

This year has been a year of building and deepening relationships for me.  And that would not have happened had I not decided to love and risk my heart. Love as an act of the will is something we choose to do, certainly not an emotion we wait for to come.  There is no room for self-preservation; one either gives the heart completely or not at all.  And what joy it is to have new friends, deeper friendships, and a bigger "family".  I am blessed.

Relationships are not the only blessing I received this year.  I was blessed by a "delay".  I was busy trying to develop my graduate thesis topic during the first quarter of 2009.  I have been working on it for a year and my program adviser has been asking me why my progress was so slow.  I liked my topic.  It was something familiar and safe.  I was developing a small group curriculum for UP students.  Small group, something I have been doing for years.  UP, where I got my bachelors and where I was getting my masters degree.  The topic couldn't have been safer and more familiar.

If the Promise Land was safe and familiar, would Joshua have been driven to conquer it?  Would you risk your life fighting giants for a land very similar to the desert you have spent most of your life in?  Most probably not.  And would God birth safe and familiar dreams?  I don't think so.

I decided to let God birth God-sized dreams in my heart.  After months of wrestling with it, I finally made that decision to leave the comfort of the safe and familiar and venture out into the unknown.  I shut my eyes and with my heart beating so fast, I jumped off the cliff and changed my thesis topic.

That one decision led to something I would never have imagined for myself.  "Delays" can really be opportunities for God's glory to be manifested.  Who would've thought that I would have the opportunity to help a people in developing their own basic education curriculum?  And an indigenous school in Davao?  How glorious is that?

Mary and Martha never thought Jesus would raise Lazarus.  They were resigned to the fact that Lazarus was dead.  Jesus' command to move the stone away was met with an incredulous look.  It would smell.  But Jesus surprised everyone and commanded Lazarus to come out.  Never in the sisters' wildest imagination did they consider the possibility of Lazarus coming back to life.  Yes, they believed in the resurrection at the last day.  But NOW?  That was just too incredible.

But God is the God of impossibilities.  And so even the things that we did not dare dream or hope for, He can give us.  Not because of our merit but because He is God.  The chance to be a small part of such a big legacy was something I only dreamed about but never knew would be a reality.  For that kind of legacy I would be willing to jump off a thousand more cliffs.  I would close my eyes and dream until I think I have dreamed outrageously enough. And then I shall dream some more.

As the year closes I realize that God-sized dreams and legacies to the nations and generations need Josephs to be birthed.  Mary needed the support of Joseph and God made sure that Joseph would come through for her.

And you are my Josephs this year.  I take this time to honor you and thank you.  I wish I could speak a hundred different languages so I can say "thank you" in countless ways.  Thank you for journeying with me.  2009 was a blast and I believe that 2010 will be even more glorious.

This year God has blessed me with men who offered me their strength when I was weak, who shared with me their wisdom when I was at crossroads, who gave me protection when I was vulnerable, who encouraged me to dream God-sized dreams when I was hesitant to do so.  I honor you and I praise God for your lives.

What's amazing about you is that you never treated me as if I was some fragile thing that had to be taken care of.  You pushed me, encouraged me, entrusted me with work, and expected me to produce output.  I was surprised at what I can do and would never have discovered what I was capable of doing had you not given me the opportunity to try.  And I thank you that when I tried and I wasn't very successful you were gracious enough to give me encouragement and support that I would have the heart to try again.  You gave me time and space to blossom into the woman I am now.

You are also men of very powerful "few words" I must say.  Some of the most remarkable lines that spoke to my heart this year were from you: I can feel you all the way here in Naga; I'm so proud of you, girl; purpose, my dear; it's working towards the dream that's important; look at this as a touchstone; if the dream is that impossible it can only come from God; you are a grafted branch; you have to have that unshakeable peace...

I am very blessed to have spiritual fathers, kuyas, brothers, and friends from so many places.  Men I can count on.  Men who I know will always come through for me.  It is my heart's deepest joy to have worked with you this year.  I look forward to partnering with you and supporting you in whatever way you need me to in 2010 and the years to come.

And God blessed me with sisters.  I am very grateful that though I do not have biological sisters God has given me a lot of spiritual sisters.  Women and young girls each with their own personalities, characters, and desires.

You are the women who prayed with and for me when I needed wisdom.  I could not have asked for more powerful intercessors.  You cried with me when I was frustrated and when my heart was pained over something.  You did more than sympathize with me.  You felt what I felt and you were generous enough to let your heart beat with mine.

You listened to my dreams and you would even dream outrageous dreams with me.  You cheered for me as I pursued my passions, encouraged me when I felt like giving up, and helped me when I did not know how else to continue.  You rejoiced with me as I experienced victories and breakthroughs.  You shed tears for me as I experienced loss.

For sharing your stories with me.  I thank you.  For sharing your rhemas and insights that I might learn from them.  I thank you.  For the times we met up to pray together and just catch up.  I thank you.  For the times we would sit together and not have to say anything.  I thank you.  For making time and sacrifices in order to be one with me in pursuing the dreams God has given.  I thank you.  For being your ate, your sister, your friend.  I thank you.  I look forward to sharing more of my life with you in the coming years.

One decision indeed changes everything.  Submission, faith, and love.  The decision to love Jesus above all and choose that which is best for Him unlocks the floodgates of heaven.  This has truly been a blessed year for me.  I praise God for birthing dreams in my heart and raising up men and women to support me in seeing these dreams through.  I approach 2010 with my heart and faith secure.  I know and believe it will be even more glorious for all of us. For the praise and glory of our God.

Finding My Heartbeat and That Which Makes My Heart Beat

Beginnings: Flashback, four months ago

I wave goodbye with tears freely flowing from my eyes as I enter the departure area of the Davao international airport.  It felt like I was leaving a very large part of me behind and not knowing when I would be able to go back was heart wrenching.


Chapter Endings: Fast forward, September 11

I cry buckets of tears as Carla, a very dear friend, the younger sister I never had, gives her testimony during the church's prayer gathering.  She shares what going to Davao did to her and she bids farewell to us who have been her family in the seven years that she was away from home.


Somewhere in Between

I think majority, if not all, of us have been tempted to skip to the end of a book we are reading.  There is that anticipation and desire to know how things end that make skipping to the final pages very tempting.

But reading just the beginnings and the endings never make sense and it somehow robs one of the joy of experiencing the opportunity to completely involve and engage one's self in a story.  This testimony is what is "in-between" my beginnings and chapter endings of my Davao saga.

In the time between April 14 and August 18, I got to convince three of my closest church friends to go back to Davao and walk the mountains that showed me what my heart was made of.

It was very easy to convince one.  Cookie, being the very supportive friend that she is, readily ran with my heart.  I had to use the "travel the Philippines" card on Bobbie.  And on Carla, I had to get down on my knees to pray that she would decide to go as she was going through difficult times in her life and was prone to "change plans" out of the blue.

Why was I so bent on having my sisters in church go back to Davao with me?  I wanted them to see what I saw last summer as I walked the majestic mountains of Davao.  I wanted them to feel what I felt last summer as I lived with the Matigsalugs.  I wanted them to see the God of tribes and nations who was so real in the life and worship of this people.

Why was I so bent on going back to Davao?  Because it was in Davao that I found my heart.  And in any story of a journey to self discovery one always wants to go back to the mirror that showed a person his reflection.  I wanted to look closely into the mirror to see what else was in me.

God did not disappoint; He showed me His heart and I heard my heartbeat.

We were participants in the trial run of the Osmosis Project.  There couldn't have been a better opportunity for me to look closely at my reflection than this.  The Osmosis Project's goal is "to draw out from the participants their own desires and vision for holistic transformation of indigenous communities and to engage the participants' imagination so they might see what is possible for themselves as individuals, for the team as a whole, as well as for the community and social contexts from which they come and to which they will return."

We were to do what the Matigsalugs did, listen to their stories and dreams, and share ours as well.  Listening to and sharing of stories or what we call "pakikipagkwentuhan" might sound unproductive to many.  Admittedly, there is no tangible output after an hour of "pakikipagkwentuhan" but it is in the "pakikipagkwentuhan" that people's hearts get to connect.

It is in "pakikipagkwentuhan" that a mutuality of relationships is established, hence the prefix "pakiki".  It is in "pakikipagkwentuhan" that another person's dreams also become your own, another person's struggles yours, and another person's heartbeat the rhythm of your heartbeat as well.

God showed me His heart through "pakikipagkwentuhan".  I heard of stories that made my teacher heart bleed.
These are stories of children having only two school days because the teachers are not able to spend the whole week up in the mountains.  I heard of stories of mass promotion and no clear measurement of a student's readiness to be promoted to the next grade level.  I heard of stories of school children trekking under the heat of the sun everyday just so they can go to school.  I saw classrooms badly in need of repairs.  I saw torn textbooks and textbooks left to rot at the jeepney drop off point at the foot of the mountain.

After hearing these stories and seeing these things, I heard my heartbeat.  God birthed dreams in my teacher heart.  Tribal Mission Foundation is starting to develop a curriculum for pre-school indigenous children.  They call it Foundational Learning for Indigenous Children or FLIC.  I saw the opportunity to help and be part of something as grand as shaping the minds of young indigenous children, to help them be proud of their identity, and to spur them to claim their own destiny.  FLIC is something I would really like to work on and be a part of.  This is one of the reasons why I wanted to become a teacher and why Cookie and I want to put up our own school in the future.  This is shaping the mind of a whole generation for national transformation.


Chapter Endings and New Beginnings: Love and My Heartbeat

It is funny how going to Davao always amazes me.  It is easy to go on missions trips and say you are helping and giving because you happen to have the financial capacity to do so.  But in the two occasions that I walked these mountains, it was always I who went back to Manila with so much more.

The first time I went up, the Matigslugs taught me to open my heart and risk it in order to build relationships.  That was why I was crying four months ago.  I opened my heart and it fed on the love that easily flowed in the Matigsalug community.  I did not know if I would ever be able to experience such openness and love in the busyness of Manila.  Today, it is something that I experience with old and new friends, with students and co-teachers, with current and future family members.

This second trip showed me that the heart doesn't just have to be open but that it must beat in synchrony with other hearts.  To reach that point wherein you no longer keep count as to who is giving and who is receiving but the focus is on whether or not you have the same heartbeat.  And that is why I was crying last Friday.  The idea of missing the cadence of Carla's heartbeat was painful.

But that is the way of the heart, I guess.  You risk, you love, and you feel pain when there is loss.  Because pain shows you that what was lost was of value.  But it doesn't mean that you will lose that rhythm, for "the heart in its purity knows no other thing but to connect and beat in synchrony with other hearts" (graffiti in a train seat as cited by de Guia, 2005).

Until I walk the mountains of Davao again and be reunited with the Matigsalugs, I shall be content with listening to the cadence of my heartbeat.  Right now, I like the way it sounds.  It has the rhythm of dreams that have just been birthed and visions that are waiting to come to pass.

I would like to take this time to say "thank you" in behalf of the whole team that went to Davao last August 19-26.  I thank you, Church of the Risen Lord for supporting me, Cookie, Carla, and Bobbie in this missions trip.  Thank you, Pastor VJ for sending us with your blessings and your covering.  Thank you to the missions board for your willingness to support and send us out into the missions field.  May God bless our church as we partner with Him in fulfilling the Great Commission.  And may we have even more opportunities to sow seeds and harvest souls in the vast mission field.  Amen.

Of Walks, Journeys, and Roads that Lead to the Heart

When I was still in college, studying to get my undergradtuate degree, I had a class called Psychology of Language. It was in this course that I learned about the different meanings a word could take in a particular culture and context. It was interesting for me that a word can take on many different meanings and connotations depending on how it is used or who uses it.

I think the words “walking” and “journeying” would be very good illustrations for this. One might say that the two words have similar meanings but if we look closely, the two are very different from each other.

“Walking” conjures up a picture of feet in motion. “Journeying” on the other hand conjures up a vision of a destination. A goal. A Promised Land. It is possible that one walks for years yet there is no clear direction or that one is merely walking around the wilderness. On the other hand, it is quite unfathomable for a person to journey without reaching a destination.

A destination doesn’t always have to be a physical place. One could journey to the deepest recesses of one’s heart. It is possible to journey to one’s soul. One’s desires. One’s hopes. Interstingly, we cannot say that we will “walk” to our hearts. It just seems inappropriate to “walk” matters that pertain to the heart.

In a journey it is quite expected that one would come across demons that have to be faced or even slain. This is probably why, as we journey to the deepest recess of our heart, we get the opportunity to face our personal demons and slay them. It is also in a journey of self discovery that one experiences miracles. We either embrace who we are or end up hating ourselves and wishing we were somebody else.

Walking the mountains of Davao gave me the opportunity to journey the hidden paths of my heart. I believe that it has also created new trails. Who would have thought that, as I walked under the heat of the sun, I would journey into my heart’s passions. It was in walking these mountains that I got to know myself, face a few monsters, and experience the miracle of love.

These mountains became a way for me to know myself and what I valued and held dear to my heart. These mountains do not have the comforts I am used to having in the city – toilets, water, electricity, beds, varied food… It would be very easy to say that the people in these mountains are deprived. But for me, it was the other way around. It was I who felt impoverished.

One can see a certain security in the midst of the people’s “poverty”. It is as if they knew a secret to living. It could be the knowledge that they were in the land that nurtured their hearts, held their past, and contains their futures. I, on the other hand, had to take a two-hour plane ride and walk for four hours to awaken my soul’s desires, to have a sense of history, and to birth dreams and visions in my heart.

It was in the wilderness that I found my heart. In the past, it had been easier to choose to protect my heart but in this journey it would’ve been foolish not to risk the heart. It was all about the heart. It was in this journey that I felt such a deep desire to give my life for a people. I wanted to be part of something so much bigger than myself.

Call it idealism. Is it wrong to want what is best? Is it wrong to desire what is noble? Is it wrong to pursue what and how things should be? I have always been jealous of those individuals who have found a specific cause they could give their hearts and lives to. Why not this people for me? I could give off myself without calculating, serve without hesitation, and love without fear of rejection.

In a few weeks I shall be walking these mountains again. The trails might be familiar by then. Or I might have an easier time adjusting to the living conditions. I might even be closer to the members of the community. The possibilities are endless but one thing is certain: this time, I won’t be visting. I shall be returning to where I left my heart.