The India Visa Statistics

I need to go to India for work. I need to get a visa to be able to go to India.

Number of friends I personally know who applied for an India visa: 2

Number of friends I personally know who applied for an India visa and had a lot of difficulty: 2

I am applying for my India visa on August 23. And the stress is killing me. I need to get my visa approved because my tickets say I have to leave the Philippines on August 30. This is how I cope with work-related stress.

Number of episodes of Big Bang Theory watched: 17 (or the whole of season 1)

Number of days episodes of Big Bang Theory were watched: 3

Number of bags of chips consumed on my own: 3

Number of bullets fired at the Gold Cup firing range: 35

Haaay. India visa. Please be mine on August 23...

Please pray for me and my team (I'm traveling with four Manobo men) that the India visa application will be quick and painless and that we get our visas approved right away. August 23 is V-Day! :)

Sharedness

In February, I was asked to do a short talk with Ton’s Psych 108 students on what I was going to do in Davao for my new job. I remember him asking me what my concept of “sharedness” was. When and how can I say that a person has become my kapwa?  How do I move from being ibang tao to becoming di-ibang tao?

Sharedness is a concept used to indicate the quality of relationships—of shared space, shared experience, shared dreams, shared tears, shared fears, shared heartbeats…

Being away from home has crystallized in me the definition of sharedness. For the past few of months I have continually found myself flitting constantly from being ibang tao to di-ibang tao to somewhere in between. I would like to say that it has been an experience that I thoroughly enjoyed. But that wouldn’t be entirely true.

I find it relatively easy to meet new people. I often chat and make small talk with the people I come across with—taxi drivers, jeepney drivers, the newspaper boy, the laundry woman, bus mates, random dorm mates, members of churches I have hopped to (yes, I went church hopping/hunting for a few Sundays and was able to hop to five churches) and everyone else in between.

Yes, these are all my kapwa tao. But they are ibang tao. And so sharedness was limited to shared space and a bit of a shared experience of whatever was happening at that moment. And this is where I realized that shared experience is more than just doing things together. It is going through things together. And that is why the newspaper boy might not become di-ibang tao in my sphere of experience anytime soon.

I safeguard my layers of friendship. There are those that are friends only because of shared experience. And then there are those who become good friends because of shared dreams. There are those who become close friends because of shared pains. And those who become very much like family because of shared heartbeats.

Shared heartbeats. When a person has become di-ibang tao that you do not have to feel the need to be “polite.” When a person can “read” you even he/she is miles and miles away. When you can demand without feeling demanding. When you can cry and not have to worry that the other person is finding you melodramatic. When you can need and are not made to feel you are needy or “too much”.  When you are certain that he/she will come through for you whatever the cost may be. When there is not an iota of doubt that you are loved and accepted for who you are.

There have been times that I wanted to be with someone who shares my heartbeat but I had no one who could be physically here. And so there were days that I would have to be content with semi-tangible love via Skype or calls on my cellphone. I realized that a place will never be home unless you have someone who shares your heartbeat physically there with you. Yes, home can be anywhere. Anywhere heartbeats are shared.

Sharing heartbeats does not have a fixed timetable. We cannot treat the progression of relationships as if we were baking them with the precision of chiffon cakes. There are people you meet and spend time with for a week or two and you suddenly find that it is effortless to experience sharedness with them. There are relationships that take years to progress before a depth in sharedness is found.

How does one move from non-sharedness to sharedness? I have found that it involves a lot of risk and willingness to expose and disclose those things that cause your heart to beat passionately. Yes, it happens that you open your heart and you are met with indifference. It is sad when that happens because you realize that the person you had hoped to share your heart with did not really care for it. But then you get to go away with the knowledge of the quality of your relationship and the wisdom to act accordingly.

I write this with a mixture of hope and sadness. I am hopeful that one day I will have people here who will share in my heartbeat. I am sad that I am missing out on pivotal events of the lives of people who share my heartbeat back in Manila. I am certain though that we have known each other deeply enough that we have mastered the rhythm of each other’s heartbeats so that we will still have the same cadence even as we are physically apart.

It has been a long time since that February talk. I look back at the relationships I have built since then. Some are on the road to sharedness. Some have deteriorated. There are those that have remained constant. And there are those that have become even more meaningful in spite of the distance.

I am blessed with family and friends who know me very well. I am blessed by your love and friendship. Thank you. Here’s to shared heartbeats.

 

 

It's Jumping-Off-the-Cliff Time Once Again

I am supposed to be reading journal articles on indigenous pre-school education. Operative phrase: supposed to be. So this is me being avoidant. 

So avoidant that I would rather compose a blog entry right on my Multiply page (which I never do) instead of typing it on Word first than think of what I need to think about.

So avoidant that I would rather organize old receipts or do something equally mechanical than think about all these thoughts running in my head.

I hate that feeling, that moment when you are on the edge of the cliff and you know that you have to jump. But there is that great battle raging inside of you--play safe or dare to do something you have never done before.

Aaaagh. So this is me wishing it was easier to take a step of faith into the unknown than be safe and comfortable in my comfort zone.

And so I share Francesa Battistelli's "I'm Letting Go" lyrics as this seems to be the theme song of my life right now.

My heart beats standing on the edge

My feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat

There's no turing back

I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me

And my dreams

I'm losing control of my destiny

It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

This is a giant leap of faith

Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown

Beyond my comfort zone

Giving in to gravity

Knowing you are holding me

I'm not afraid

The Call to Endure

On May 17-26 I was in the mountains of Marilog yet again. I was with teams and individuals from Bukidnon, Pakibato, Davao City, Manila, and the United States. In all of my trips up to the mountains in the past, God always spoke a special word in my heart. During this trip He spoke to me about endurance.

Endurance is the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions. Walking for almost four hours can really cause fatigue. Not knowing when you will get to your destination can definitely cause stress. Riding a motorcycle on descending terrain under a heavy downpour can be considered "adverse conditions".

But why do we push on despite all these? Because we love and we believe. We love what we do and we believe in the message that we carry.

It was such a blessing to go back to a place that has become familiar and yet still held so many treasures to be discovered. I felt at home as people whose stories have become interwoven with mine welcomed me with warm hugs. I felt joy as I watched individuals from different backgrounds become united because they had the same heart. But most of all it was a blessing to hear the back stories of the past and present staff members and volunteers of Tribal Mission Foundation.

I got to spend time with people who build water up in the mountains a years ago. I got to know those who were part of building the Gumitan bridge--people who had to haul materials up to the mountains either by foot or with the help of horses. I got to meet people who helped build church structures even with the language barrier. I got to share stories with those who patiently taught adult literacy classes and those who taught the kids. I was in the company of men and women who would walk for hours under the searing heat of the sun just to bring a team of doctors and nurses to far-flung tribal villages.

And this is how I learned why we must endure. Despite the fatigue, stress, and other adverse conditions. It is for stories that speak of God's power and love, for stories that speak of the power of God's love and the power of one's love for God. We push on because we have heard the call and we believe in the dream that God has placed in our hearts.

I am blessed to have been in the company of people who endured and so have the privilege to tell their stories of endurance and victory. And though I have been tired of waiting for answers to prayers I have uttered months ago, I am encouraged to endure as well that I may live to tell my own story of victory. This is for answered prayers!

Heart Insurance

insurance [in-SHOOR-uhns] - noun. coverage by contract in which one party agrees to indemnify (to compensate for damage or loss sustained, expense incurred, etc.) or reimburse another for loss that occurs under the terms of the contract

Okay ang insurance para sa bahay, kotse, at kung anu-ano pang pag-aari. Pero walang insurance para sa puso. Bad trip.

DISCLAIMER: Hindi tungkol sa love life ang blog na ito.

Sa nakalipas na linggo dalawa sa mga kaibigan ko (at naki-uso naman ang puso ko kahapon) ang kinailangang sagutin ang tanong na "magbubukas ba ako ng puso kahit na walang garantiyang hindi ito masasaktan?"

Excerpt from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldregde:

For a woman to unveil her beauty means she is offering her heart. Offering her presence. The scariest thing for women is to offer our beauty into situations where we don't know if it will make any difference. Or worse, that it will be rejected. A woman doesn't want to offer her beauty unless she is guaranteed that it will be well received. But life offers no such guarantees. We, too, must take risks. Of course it's scary. It's vulnerable. It's naked. God calls us to stop hiding, to stop dominating, to trust him, and to offer our true selves. He wants us to bring to bear the weight of our lives and all that he has given to us, worked into us, and offer it to our world. To entice, allure, and invite others to Jesus by reflecting his glory in our lives. He will give no guarantee that others will enjoy us and respond well.

Masarap isipin na kontrolado natin ang mga bagay-bagay sa mundo. Pero may mga bagay na, gustuhin man natin, ay hindi talaga natin kayang kontrolahin. Nakakapikon, oo. Nakakatakot, mas lalo.

Ang pagbubukas ng puso ay hindi madaling gawin. Pero, dahil tayo ay mga tao at hindi natin maaaring ihiwalay ang ating mga sarili sa ating lipunan... tayo ay nagpapakamasokista at patuloy pa ring sumusubok na magbukas ng ating mga puso para makapasok ang iba.

May mga taong madaling mahalin kaya naman hindi gaanong mahirap ang magbukas ng puso para sila'y makapasok. Nangyayaring pareho talaga kayo ng mga tunguhin, mga pangarap, ugali, at kung anu-ano pa. Masaya at simple ang buhay kapag ganito ang sitwasyon. Kaso, hindi palaging ganito. Kung titingin tayo sa mas malaking mundo sa labas ng napakaligtas na mundong nilikha natin para sa ating mga sarili (kasama ang ating pamilya't barkada) ay mapapagtanto nating mahirap ang magmahal at magbukas ng puso para makapasok ang iba.

Mahirap. Kaya't madalas pinipili nating manatili sa hawla (o kahon) kung saan walang makakapanakit sa atin. Pero hindi tayo nilikhang may puso para manatili sa loob ng mga hawla.

Mahirap. Dahil walang insurance para sa puso. Pero ipagpapalit mo ba ang pagkakataong makabuo ng malalim na ugnyan sa puso ng ibang tao dahil lamang sa takot na ito?

Nakakatakot kasi pag nagbukas ka ng puso maaari na itong masaktan. Ang problema, walang insurance. At dahil walang insurance kapag nasakatan ka ay iiyak ka na lang at gigising kinabukasan na namamaga ang mga mata. Wala kang makukuhang insurance claim. Wala kang makukuhang kapalit sa mga luha. At lalong higit na hindi mo maaaring sisihin ang nagdulot ng sakit. Dahil ikaw naman ang nagpasyang magbukas ng puso mo. Pinilit ka ba? Hindi naman, diba?

Minsan talaga kailangan lang nating sumugal. Dahil mas masarap magmahal.

It's a New Season

It is a sunny Saturday morning. I am home and finding it quite strange that I do not have exams to check or papers to read and mark. I look at the pile of exam answer sheets and reflection papers that I have checked and marked in the last two weeks and I couldn’t help but smile. This is it. The school semester has ended for me and I am just waiting to turn in my students’ grades.

I have seen six end-of-the-semester seasons of madness. I remember nights when I would stay up late reading not-so reflective papers. I remember days when I would have to forego going out with friends because I had to check papers. I remember crying in frustration after MS Excel generated my students’ final grades and there were a couple who did not make the mark. I remember being annoyed when students who never show up for five months suddenly appear at the end of the semester expecting to have a passing grade. But this semester it is different.

What makes this sixth end-of-the-semester season different? Because this is my last.

A year after I got my bachelors degree in Psychology, I enrolled in the UP College of Education to get my masters degree. In a reflection paper for a class called “Teaching Creative and Critical Thinking” I wrote:

I delight in the knowledge that as a teacher I am given the chance to mold the minds of those I teach. I want to make a difference in the lives of students as I impart to them the things that I am passionate about… I believe that a teacher is given the honor and the privilege of shaping minds, nurturing souls, and igniting a fire in the hearts of students… I think that all teachers can be catalysts. Someone once said that a catalyst is consumed in sacrifice. If a teacher is willing to be a catalyst, consumed in sacrifice, then the impact is change in the lives of the students and the people these students meet. (November 2006)

In June 2007, I started teaching in an academic institution for higher education. There was a sense of nervous excitement on my part. A university took a risk in hiring me—someone without any teaching experience. I did not want to let the university down. I could only imagine what went on my students’ minds as they watched a twenty three year-old walk into their classroom introducing herself as their Psychology instructor.

In another reflection paper for the same class, I wrote:

When I become a teacher I think that one of the most challenging tasks that I would face is to know my students beyond the warm bodies sitting on their chairs. I think that the most effective teachers are those that connect with their students beyond the intellectual level. It will require a lot of emotional investment, I suppose… Who knows how many souls I would touch? It might very well be the souls of our country’s future leaders that I would inspire to make a difference simply because I took the risk to invest in them emotionally. (November 2006)

Investing in people’s lives and building relationships. This is something that my students taught me in the three years that I was an instructor. Emotional investment. Something that was taught in theory in all my educational foundations classes but found depth in practice.

Nothing compares to sharing in the lives of others. The first batch of freshmen I taught will be seniors come June this year. Yes, I have seen three batches of students fresh out of high school eager to know what college is all about. Three batches of giggly sixteen year-old girls and three batches of cooler-than-thou sixteen year-old boys. Over a thousand students in three years.

I wasn’t very successful in getting to “know all of my students beyond the warm bodies that sat on their chairs.” I do not think three years is enough to build a relationship with depth if one has a thousand students. But to those I have known and grown in relationship with, I can say that it has been very rewarding.

My students taught me so much about myself. I have grown and developed in character and not just in my skill as a teacher through them. From those who seemed to find joy in talking while I discussed Freud, I learned patience. From those who found difficulty in turning in reflective papers, I learned grace. From those who were always negligent in fulfilling requirements, I learned firmness in the way I disciplined.

It is my joy and privilege to be a part of their lives as well. I have seen them rejoice as they passed difficult subjects. I have prayed with and for them when they struggled. I saw couples get together and I have seen a fair share of couples breaking up. I have listened to stories of their families. I have seen tears of frustration. I have shared in laughter over their silly antics. I have received thank you notes, surprise visits, invites to debuts, and even food from former students. Nothing compares to the knowledge that you have ceased to become a person who merely shared information with your students. You have become a person who shared in their lives. For this privilege, I thank all of my students.

This is my last semester in an academic institution. I wouldn’t be in this kind of setting for a while as I am embarking on a new adventure. One that will let me invest in people’s lives and build even more relationships. My new job with Indigenous Emergence (iEmergence) combines my passions for education and teaching, indigenous peoples and indigenous Psychology, and field research and travel. This is such an awesome job.

So... It is a sunny Saturday morning. I am home and finding it quite strange that I do not have exams to check or papers to read and mark. I look at the iEmergence job description and my MPI (My People International) employment application form that I have had with me in the last two months and I couldn’t help but smile. This is it. It is time to invest in the lives of peoples, nations, and generations.

It’s a bigger mission field out there. More learning, stretching, and growth. Can't wait.